God knows I want to break free...

I miss myself. I really do. I was at work on a public holiday & I will be at work again all of Saturday. Planned earlier this week to have lunch & go shopping with Ros on Good Friday but nope, that didn't come to pass. As I was going home after work, she called & asked to go for dinner with her & Wen. Frankly, I was reluctant. You see, when I'm upset & feeling absolutely lousy, the last thing I want is to be with people. I only want to hide in a hole & shut the world out & have a sign that reads "Leave me alone. I bite." Anyway, I did meet her & Wen & I felt sorry for them because I was in the foulest of moods. Even though I did laugh & crack jokes here & there, I wasn't really there.

Suddenly, meanie Mil reared her ugliest front to the world. We were walking along shops at Suntec when I stepped on something. I turned around & looked & there on the ground was this little kid sitting along the crowded walkway, crying. I went "Oops!" & walked off. Ros said I stepped on the kid's hand. You know, when I'm not feeling crap like I was today, I would have gone up to the kid to ask if he was OK & apologise to the parent as well. Today, I simply walked off with that 'oops' & bitched to Ros, saying, "Why so stupid? Sit in the middle of the crowded walkway. He deserved it." I felt sadistic joy in that because I was feeling miserable & I was glad that I made someone miserable too. Hur-hur!!!

To tell the truth, I'm becoming afraid of myself. I'm becoming someone who never existed before but is now in being because of whatever & every other pangs of unhappiness & misery this self faces everyday. I miss my old self, I miss being me. I can't explain why I'm in where I am right now but I can only say that there is a lot of pent-up frustration with my present circumstances. I want to break free...I want to break free...God knows, God knows I want to break free.

I know people will tell me 'Hang in there'. Thank you. I appreciate that. Somehow that doesn't seem to lift me up. It's like telling me "Keep up with the suffering, pain & misery". You know, in all these years that I've lived, despite having gone through ups & downs of kinds, I've never felt as miserable & lousy as the way I do right now. Apart from that, I'm becoming more cynical by the day & I don't believe in anything I do anymore because everything seems like a show/farce. Maybe I could replace Kylie Minogue for her Showgirl World Tour & get her to continue resting & recouperating from her cancer treatment. (I know, I'm being lame here. If you don't get it, never mind. I'm not making very much sense these days anyway.)

This is probably the most depressing entry I've made into this blog so far. Thank God I have a wonderful family who is ever-supportive & friends who make the effort to lighten this for me or else this entry may not even make it in here.

I hope Milly Me returns soon.

Thanks for reading this.