The Pursuit Of Happiness

It is an ellusive and long search for happiness. One then asks, "what is happiness?" To some, it is having money and yet for some, it's that simplicity of life and the tranquility that comes with it that therefore, equates to happiness.

In such a complicated and demanding environment, it is hard to remember what happiness really is. I know. Because I have forgotten what happiness is. 'tis sad, isn't it? I am facing the biggest challenge of my life - crossroads. This is something that I have talked about in my previous posts but as the year progresses, this urgency is more than just an urgency but a great struggle and fear. Perhaps it's the cumulation of unhappiness that has made this crossroad a difficult one.

To be very honest, dear Earthlings, I don't know what it is like to be truly happy now. I really don't. Everyone thinks that just because I smile, just because I am cheery and come up with silly jokes and ideas, I am happy. How wrong!

I can't even explain it but I feel stuck in a rut. I feel like I am running in circles, in a tunnel that sees no light. I don't know if where I am and what I am feeling now is a result of choices I made back then. Perhaps. And perhaps not. The truth is, I don't even know what I want. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know. I have come to realise that the reason for wanting out, apart from being burnt out, is that I am sick and tired of this place. And now, I don't even know where I want to go and what I want to do because I don't know what makes me tick!

It's not the void of happiness or sadness I feel. I think I have come to a stage past that - I am just utterly miserable. Everyday I wake up wondering if this is the way I am going to feel for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do although I do know that I plan to leave my current job soon. Just today, while in my own world, I wondered if the chap up in the sky is making a joke out of me or I have made a joke out of myself. Or perhaps his enemy is laughing at me for falling into his trap.

Just a week back, I had the worst dream ever. I dreamt that the doctor gave me a death sentence and when I protested that it cannot be and that I don't want to face it because I haven't experienced the greatest things in life nor found my happiness, the sickest feeling and answer came from the nurse in the dream. "It might be better this way. You go alone. No one else has to suffer with you." I never felt so sick in the stomach before and it was a real feeling and I woke up crying. Maybe it's a reflection of not just how unhappy but also how lonely I feel in this walk.

I don't know what I should do for now. I don't know what anyone can do for me because I don't think I should be expecting that - it's my life. What I do know is that I have to find my way out of this rut soon because I don't want to live like this and die an unhappy person. I can only hope and pray that God will open up doors and heaven to me - I am at my wits end, I am burnt out and dried up.

Dear Earthlings who are reading this, I don't need sympathy or any mention of this to people in the family (and I tell the whole world of strangers about it..ha!) I only want to say this to you, that the pursuit of happiness is a struggle. And nobody can make you happy or tell you how to be happy unless you are truly happy because you worked towards it. Working towards it is another story but when you attain that happiness, that's what sweet victory is.

And Dear God, if you are reading this, won't you send me an angel? I am only a child. In the pursuit of happiness.