Happy National Day, Singapore! I am Singaporean no matter where I am in this world. My prayer is for God to grant the leaders of the country wisdom so that they are able to govern the country, based on democracy, so as to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for the nation.
Left school earlier so that I could nap and watch the National Day Parade on TV. But halfway through the programme, I Skyped with A and didn't bother with the rest of the Parade.
Talking to her always makes me think about my life. She struggles with issues like time management, finding her balance in parenting and *gasp* married life (dealing with the hubs, the in-laws). It overwhelms me to think about the fact that I have to go through that when the time comes.
I don't think I am afraid of having to deal with things. I think I am more afraid of screwing up than anything else. And I think that it is this fear of screwing up that has held me back more than ever. What an irony, considering that I see myself as someone adaptable and adventurous. But the thing is this, that in a relationship, it isn't just my life that I will screw up but it will also screw up the life of another and others.
But I think God has mysterious ways of preparing me. It is through friends and family and perhaps, even through my students, that have allowed me to shape what I would like or to achieve where being settled down is concerned. Before I go into that, I hate it when people pity or feel sorry that I am steps away from that and offer to set me up with a blind date. I appreciate their kindness and intentions but at the end of the day, it is I who will be in the relationship and it is I who will enjoy the fruits or suffer the consequences. Not them. Therefore, it is I who will decide. (You see, it's the head-strong me showing itself now).
When I see what people go through, I think to myself about what I would like and not like. I know that the truth is often far from the ideal but nonetheless, I think it is good to have a 'structure' as some sort of a guideline rather than be absolutely clueless about what things should and ought to be.
Some things I have established:
1. I must like my other half as a friend first because I am sure
there will be days where we argue and don't feel lovey-dovey yet still
like and respect him as a person, as a friend. Without that friendship element, I
think the relationship is as good as dead.
2. Eve was created from Adam's rib (Genesis 2:22) for a couple of reasons
a) God didn't take a bone from his head so that she would be above him nor a bone from his foot so that he could crush her. Instead, God, in His wisdom, took a bone from Adam's side (his rib) so that Eve is his equal and his co-worker.
b) The rib is by Adam's side so it means that he can hold her and protect her with his arms.
c) The rib is close to Adam's heart so that Eve is close enough to his heart for him to love her.
I think this is such a wonderful effect about what God intends for a relationship between a man and a woman. It is a partnership. It is friendship that is made divine through God because He is love.
3. And this takes me to the next point: the philosophical question on who the man should love more and therefore save from a sinking boat - his wife or his mum? This is a tough one (that's why it is philosophy...daaannnggg!!) and something you hear at Miss Universe in the 'tough questions' section where the judges decide beauty or brains OR beauty and brains. Tough question but hmmm...here goes my answer. *cues music in....Chopin's Nocturne in C# minor a la from the film 'The Pianist'*
I will tell my mum-in-law that she has done a great job in bringing her son up and I love her so because she is the mum of my husband and because I love her for being her.
Then I will go up to the husband and tell him I love him very much and thank him for choosing and loving me. I will apologise to him that I have to do what I do and jump off the boat. (So drama!!)
Why?
a) I don't want the husband to have to make such a difficult choice in having to choose between the 2 most important women in his life and thereby having to live with the guilt that he 'killed' one of them as a result of his decision.
b) When I am gone, he can look for someone else who will be able replace me to love him and take care of him the way I had before. But he cannot find someone else to replace his mum.
These are thoughts that cross my mind after an intensive session. Heavy stuff but they are things that make me weigh my values and my moral consciousness, as well as how and what drives me. Maybe they are purely philosophical, all in the thoughts, which is why I don't and am not living it out now.
Like what A says, I should pray and ask God to be merciful lest I have to deal and struggle the way she does. Maybe that's when things will happen. I think I have been so lalala about things and never really thought or prayed about a life partner so that's why nothing is happening for me. Maybe God already has things in store and is just waiting for me to prayer before He unleashes everything to me (Oh...help, help, helpppppp!!!! Can I deal with a snoring man who will also fart in bed?)
I wish life was easy and I didn't have to deal with such tough questions (which yes, yes, yes, like what everyone says, will bring the most beautiful moments and memories ever). Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. I will be good and be in tune with God.
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Actually, I think I got lost in my thoughts and ended up spewing things that I didn't quite plan on writing but I am not going to delete them. Sorry, poor friend, for having to deal with my state of mind. But I am harmless. I really am. *meow*
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